This is a great article on Marriage that I received in an email by: Matthew Ung
"Men AND Women, "I hate divorce," says the LORD God. (Mal. 2:16)
Most of the world’s “marriage counseling” is like tuning down a car crash into slow motion. Perversions in the world’s view of marriage have led both sexes to an overhaul of biblical proportions which ransacks their view of love and respect—That they are only earned. God’s faithfulness through trials and betrayals in my life has led me to more deeply understand the sober, and the more subtle, natures of how women are distanced from their true beauty and men from their strength. I don’t resign to accept the world’s cycles, nor will I tolerate anyone I know resigning themselves. To quote good ol’ Mel Gibson: “Life is about love and commitment and screw anyone who thinks that's a cliché.”
The masses are gobbling up secular lies like a sumo wrestler eats chankonabe. As culture perceives failed relationships, they suck, but no one is to blame because people are just "finding themselves" and apparently sometimes their hearts derail unexpectedly after a commitment or their heart finds it's own “deeper self” and the person is just along for the ride. Nevermind that several wounded lives, broken childrens' lives, and torn homes are left in the wake. At least, that's what's happens just as much among PROFESSING Christians as the world. "In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you" (Leo Tolstoy).
Women primarily need LOVE. Men primarily need RESPECT. A husband’s unconditional love mirrors Christ’s love for the church and a wife’s unconditional respect mirrors the church’s reverence for Christ (its head).
Ephesians 5:33: "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." I've read a book by a pastoral counselor with a family ecology PhD who has counseled hundreds of married couples and has a hold of this revelation: When women are shortchanged, their sinful nature reacts by withholding the respect that a man needs but will hardly ask for (how would YOU ask for respect and figure it to be true respect if it had to be requested?), and when men are shortchanged, their sinful nature reacts by withholding love, which is rightly perceived as "controlling" by women, or given the classic phrase “he’s just not speaking my love language." (Several gender-specific Scriptures equate the "respect" wording, in the Greek, to "phileo" love, or the respect/admiration of "friendship love," as opposed to "agape," or selfless love, as in "honoring your wife as equal.") You can’t get what you need by depriving!
your
partner of what your partner needs. Now, we hear all this talk about unconditional love (as advice given to men, Eph. 5:25), but according to Eph. 5:33, we should be hearing just as much about unconditional respect (Women, see 1 Peter 3:1-2 in the light of this context--many translations give "...respectful behavior." Also see Prov. 21:9).
It’s because we hear LESS of marital, unconditional respect for men that I share this true story:
A couple’s marriage wasn’t going so well. The man felt isolated at home so he turned to his life in the office. One day the skeptical wife went to surprise her husband at his workplace to see if he was performing as poorly there as she believed he did at home. She entered and her husband was busy so didn’t see her. But she watched and noticed an older man delivering office reports and showing respect for her husband because he was the boss, and noticed a young, attractive, female intern fawning over him and giving him great admiration, despite the fact that an affair never happened. The woman saw how proficient her husband was and how foreign the home seemed to him because he was honored at work but never at home with her. She was overcome with emotion and left without saying hello, to weep in her car at what had really been going on. Their marriage was soon reconciled. The husband went out of his way to please his wife in the smallest things. It forms a positive cycle.
And women are wired to run on love. No one calls a woman “egotistical” because she wants to be the center of attention. Men know she already is, and should be! Men are honored to fight for you (Neh. 4:14). Heck, throughout history we’ve fought other men to have the CHANCE to fight for you.
The entire reason each sex has a different command (to love/respect) is because those are generally areas where reminders are needed. A man already KNOWS you love him, but many married men say their wives don’t LIKE them. A woman already KNOWS you like her femininity, but do you LOVE her like Christ would? During tension, a husband may retort, "I can never be good enough for you!" because a woman doesn't have a revelation that giving honor is a form of love, while a wife may retort, "You only love me when it's convenient!" because a man hasn't gotten the clue of getting closer and conveying the love a woman so desperately needs even when his "wired" honor code tells him to leave conflict to de-escalate the situation (which is, unfortunately, perceived as abandonment by many women).
How often one sex assumes how they see something is how the other sees it (“Don’t be wise in your own eyes” –Prov. 3:7). Sometimes a divorce happens with both spouses clueless to the root cause. I can’t imagine a more extreme way to disgrace the sacred marriage covenant with ignorance. Of course there are “irreconcilable differences!” That’s why you married the OPPOSITE SEX; those are GOOD. God uses it to train you in unconditional love and respect, as we are told God deserves our love AND FEAR (reverence).
It’s not enough for the wife to feel “empowered,” she must also empower her husband. It’s not enough for the husband to feel “dominion” if he does not honor the woman, the crown jewel of God’s creation. And if he won’t humble himself to accept her correction.
It is a crazy cycle which needs a wrench thrown in it. Here’s the fix:
A man should not focus on what he may hear, which is "I don't respect you," he should instead see it as a sign, or a cry of the woman's heart: "I need your love." (Men, also see Prov. 12:16 and 1 Pet. 3:7) A woman should not focus on what she may hear, which is “I don’t love you,” she should instead see it as a sign, or a cry of the man’s heart: “I need your support.” Also, affairs are obviously the fault of the person having the affair, but the blame may also lie with a man who neglects his wife in silence; abuses her in any way, OR a woman who emotionally stonewalls her husband; uses her vindictive words like daggers.
Whether a nagging woman or brutish man, know this: Good-hearted women have no problem loving (look at the nurturing nature of mothers and the tenderness of a wife), and good-hearted men have no problem understanding honor (look at heroes and the military--no one expects the wife to die for the husband), so stop thinking of each other having weak spots, and recognize the strengths. Because the worse case scenario is a man thinking "I don't have what it takes" and a woman thinking "I'm unlovable." It is AS a man or AS a woman that we bear the image of God, it is not just… people.
Who is entitled to expecting the other make the first move to stop the crazy cycle? In all technical fairness, neither. No one is entitled to the luxury of expecting or leveraging the other to make the first move, OR to play the "I told you so" card after doing the right thing with the wrong motive. But here is the answer: The more mature one will make the first move, and start realizing that the “friendly fire” they go through is (SURPRISE) worth it. People have the ability to stop the plummeting divorce rates, but hardly anyone will apply themselves, because it would mean they’d have to make the first move. Of all the lame excuses… this one?... for people who… wedded each other? Spare me the hypocrisy.
Are there exceptions (Do some men desire love more and do some women desire respect more)? Obviously, if a man is infinitely respected and gets no love, he won’t be happy, neither would a woman who is infinitely loved and gets no respect. But I can’t discount the clear command of Eph. 5:33. I’d trust God on this one. He is allowed to make generalizations because He is the Creator. What we need is what we need, whether we realize it or not. But additionally (and generally), I’d personally say that men bond by sharing experiences, while women bond by talking about those experiences. Which is why men appreciate women who can just “be” with them more and women appreciate men will open up and talk more. (Women, notice the “shoulder-to-shoulder” love/”without a word” ministry of 1 Pet. 3:1. When a wife is “clothed with dignity” (Prov. 31:25) she comes across respectfully.)
Let me bring up the issue of abusing this knowledge:
Men: This is why you are susceptible to flattery (false respect) from women. Read Proverbs 2:16-20 and all of Chapter 7.
Women: This is why you are susceptible to men using you by saying all the right things and catering to your feelings (false love) whiles their character is unproven or remains wicked.
Realizing marriage demanded permanence and work, the disciples complained, "If the relationship... is like this, it is better not to marry" (Mt. 19:10). Marriage is GOOD but culture has presented it for what it’s not. Marriage is a time of “favor from the Lord” (Prov. 18:22).
[2 Jn. 1:8] Watch out that you don’t lose what you have worked for. Make sure that you get your complete reward."
by Matthew Ung
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